Sports
CNN Calls Dr. Fauci's Wild Pitch '100% Accurate, Completely On Target'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—CNN is reporting that the ceremonial first pitch to open up the 2020 season at Nationals Park, which was thrown wildly off the mark by none other than Dr. Anthony Fauci, was 100% accurate, completely on target, and a "real strike."

"It's time to play ball!" announced CNN's Don Lemon. "Dr. Anthony Fauci, who has always been right, while a certain sitting U.S. President has always been wrong and off target his entire presidency, threw a real strike to start the 2020 Major League Baseball season today."

A frame-by-frame analysis of Dr. Fauci's pitching mechanics showed the 79-year-old physician slip off the rubber, step awkwardly toward the plate, and defying all the normal laws of physics still propel the ball in the general direction of the plate, but nowhere near the strike zone.

"The baseball season is shortened this year, more like a sprint than a marathon," tweeted Brian Stelter. "Exactly how the coronavirus pandemic would have been had President Trump done what Pitching Ace Dr. Fauci said." 

At publishing time, CNN had several of their top investigative journalists asking Dr. Fauci what his current exercise routine is and getting his thoughts on other better presidents.

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