PORTLAND, OR—Riot police used tear gas on the Portland mayor and protesters last night, which is crazy because they were just trying to warm themselves by a harmless fire they started in a federal building.
But the riot police soon encountered a problem: they weren't able to tell if their tear gas was even effective, since the libs were already crying uncontrollably before they were hit with the tear gas.
"Liberals are always shedding tears, so how do we even tell if it worked?" asked one confused federal agent after firing another can into the crowd. "Seems like this would be pretty redundant."
The liberal tears continued to flow, whether or not riot police fired gas into the crowd. Finally, the police shrugged and left the protest, since the protesters just kept crying.
"Mission accomplished, I guess," said one officer. "Hey, Carl, wanna go kidnap some Antifa thugs?"