Clever: Jews Charging Up Space Laser Tell Everyone Those Are Just The Northern Lights
Science · May 11, 2024 ·

JERUSALEM — A spokesman for the Israeli military confirmed yesterday that the colorful lights seen over most of the northern hemisphere were a completely natural phenomenon and were definitely not caused by the Jews charging up their space laser.

"Those eerie lights are no cause for concern," the spokesman told reporters. "That was just the aurora borealis, more commonly known as the northern lights. It was certainly not the background radiation caused by charging up the energy core on the laser cannon on our secret space station. We definitely don't have one of those."

Media members began to press the spokesman about whether the IDF had any explanation for the unusual nature of last night's northern lights. "Okay, well even if we did hypothetically have a bagel-shaped Jewish Death Star laser weapon in orbit… which we don't… why would we be using it now?" the spokesman asked. "I mean, do you think that just because the United States just ceased all weapons shipments to us, that we would begin firing up our space laser? Furthermore, everyone knows that charging a kyber-crystal laser cannon causes blue and orange lights in the sky, not the green and red that we saw last night," he continued. "Seriously, people, there's nothing to see here."

At publishing time, the spokesman also confirmed that the brilliant beams of light seen shooting down from the sky onto the city of Rafah were just a reflection of the lights from a nearby sewage treatment plant interacting with the lingering smoke from a Canadian wildfire.

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