Civil War Erupts In Southern Town As Two First Baptist Churches Open
Church · Apr 2, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

TALLAPOOSA, GA — Families and communities were torn apart and thrown into full-blown hostilities in a small southern town when two First Baptist Churches opened.

The warring factions threatened to destroy the entire town as tensions flared into open battle, with innocent bystanders and loved ones being involuntarily drawn into the heated feud and fearing the resulting struggle for supremacy would leave nothing but a wasteland of smoldering rubble.

"This town isn't big enough for the both of us," said Pastor Hayworth Beauregard of First Baptist Church in a letter to his congregation. "If these misguided miscreants refuse to vacate our beloved community and practice their propagation of pretentious preaching elsewhere, then we will have no choice but to engage them in battle to preserve the sanctity of our name and advance our righteous cause. Long live First Baptist Church!"

The leader of the opposition showed no sign of backing down. "I defy that slimy scoundrel to say that to my face!" said Pastor Thaddeus Claremont of the other First Baptist Church. "We will not bend to the will of that counterfeit congregation. Our name is our name, and we will fight to determine who the rightful First Baptist Church truly is! Load the cannons and warm the casseroles!"

Both sides had agreed that any surviving members of the losing side would be condemned to bear the shame of renaming themselves Second Baptist Church.

At publishing time, director Ken Burns was already deep into preproduction on a documentary film account of the war.


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