TEHRAN — Following the latest round of U.S. and Israeli airstrikes in the country, Kevin, the janitor at the Office of the Supreme Leader, was officially recognized as now being the most senior military official left in Iran.
Over the last few weeks, U.S.-led strikes have almost completely annihilated the Ayatollah's regime and the Iranian military chain of command, leaving Kevin as the highest-ranking member of government personnel left in the entire country.
"Me? Really? Wow, nobody told me I got promoted!" Kevin reportedly said upon hearing the news. "I just scored the janitor job a couple of months ago, so I figured it would take a long time for me to work my way up the food chain. Little did I realize that I'd end up running the whole place so quickly. It just goes to show you what can happen when you work hard, think positively, and take the day off when a foreign superpower launches a full-scale air assault on your bosses."
Sources with knowledge of the current Iranian power structure revealed that an extensive list was made of all remaining government personnel, with Kevin standing out as the one with the highest rank and most extensive experience. "We're all looking to him now," one insider said. "With everyone else wiped out, it's up to Kevin to steer the ship. And clean the toilets, still."
At publishing time, it had been announced that Kevin had been eliminated by a U.S. drone strike, leaving Mike, the homeless guy who sits outside the Office of the Supreme Leader, in charge.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
