LOS ANGELES, CA—Citing his deeply held conviction that we should "believe all women," lawyer and advocate for oppressed females Michael Avenatti immediately plead guilty to domestic violence charges after being arrested by the LAPD Wednesday evening.
"We should believe all women, and not just when it's politically expedient," he said in a somber statement outside an LAPD station. "I would like to deny these charges and call them a vicious attack on my political career, but I can't in good conscience do that. That would be totally inconsistent with my rhetoric over the past year. Instead, I will immediately plead guilty."
Avenatti also requested that the judge grant him the maximum possible sentence. He even asked for the death penalty, but was disappointed to discover that such a punishment is not typically administered for domestic violence crimes. He vowed to change that, however: "I will spend all of my hopefully lengthy sentence behind bars fighting to get the death penalty approved for my case and countless other people who have abused women."
"I am an advocate for women, after all," he concluded to applause.