MARSHVILLE, LA - According to sources within First United Grace Christian Church of Christ, the church with "United" prominently displayed on its sign out front is currently undergoing its fourth split of the last two decades.

The controversy that led to the split reportedly concerns the flavor of coffee grounds provided for parishioners each Sunday. The split prior to that was centered around the color of the carpet, while the split before that was about the pastor's facial hair. Nobody still at the church can remember what the congregation's first split was about.

"Our church has 'United' in the name because we think it's really important to be united with those people who agree with you on every minute doctrine," said the church's new pastor, who just took over the job of a pastor who was voted out in a narrow congregational decision. "We are all one in the Lord---at least the First United Grace Christian Church of Christ Christians are."

He then claimed that everyone attending the new congregation that split off this current congregation are all going to hell: "You people at Second United Grace Christian Church of Christ? Oh yeah, you're definitely gonna burn."