PORTLAND, OR - Lifeforce Community Church prides itself on believing exactly what the surrounding culture believes. On issues ranging from intersectionality and identity politics to the existence of God and the nature of sin, the church takes great pains to match every single one of its core doctrines to that of secular American society.

Yet, somehow, attendance continues to decline. The church's pastor is totally baffled, saying he has absolutely no idea why no one bothers coming to church anymore.

"I just don't get it," said Pastor Bryan Lindell. "I tell our congregation that we'll offer them the exact same worldview as secular culture, and they abandon us for secular culture. What gives?"

"I mean, does the world have a second-rate band, laser lights, and a fog machine? Does the world offer a hot dish potluck every fourth Sunday? I don't think so."

Lindell was quick to point out that his church has premium coffee selections and lots of free pastries every Sunday. "I mean, not as good as real coffee shops, or even Starbucks, but it's decent," he said. "If that doesn't get people jumping out of bed and rushing to church on a Sunday morning when they could be watching the NFL, I'm not sure what would."

One member of the leadership team suggested they start teaching the Bible to differentiate their church from the surrounding culture and offer something the world cannot offer. The leader was called a bigot and forced to resign.