PORTLAND, OR—Sunday’s worship service at Streams of Life Church turned into “an absolute train wreck” after worship leader Benjamin “Bonanza” Johnson failed to post a stylized, filtered picture of his microphone on his Instagram or Facebook pages, sources confirmed Monday.
The service seemed to be supernaturally cursed after the musician forgot to post the picture accompanied by an “#audienceofone” hashtag as he does each Sunday morning.
“Our harmonies weren’t harmonizing. Our riffs weren’t riffing. Our capos weren’t capoing. It was a total disaster,” a downcast Johnson told reporters after the service in the church’s foyer. “All because I failed to share a picture of my mic with my thousands of social media followers. It’s such an obvious oversight in retrospect. It was totally my fault.”
“Lord, I repent in dust and ashes!” he added through tears.
According to churchgoers, the service saw only a handful of people raising their hands during the worship time, several awkward song transitions, and zero commitments to Christ.
Theologians and other religious commentators all agreed that the lack of a self-congratulatory post featuring the microphone so that the worship leader’s fans and followers would know that he was getting ready to lead worship was the culprit.
“A lot of people think leading worship is just playing some songs and guiding the people of God in a time of reflection and adoration,” prominent worship leader Stephen Miller said of the debacle. “But it’s so much more than that—you have to promote yourself on social media, like a true rock star.”