Church Planters Meet To Brainstorm Dumbest Possible Name For Their New Church

HOUSTON, TX — According to sources close to the discussion, a group of evangelicals met at a local coffee shop to brainstorm the dumbest possible name for the new church they were planting in the area.

After reportedly agreeing on matters of doctrine in about five minutes, the group moved on to the important task of deliberating terrible church names. Proposed names started off with quickly rejected suggestions like Houston Community Church before eventually considering names like No Cap Church, Living.Vibe, Terminal Velocity Church, ALIVE!, and River of Impact.

After about 90 minutes, a member of the group who was later identified as Matthew Chambers claimed to have come up with the perfect name. "What about Hope House? It's like a house, but full of hope. Get it?" he said. "It doesn't get better than that."

The rest of the group, however, was not sold on the suggestion. "No, it's still not ambiguous enough," said Eddie Freeborn, a former pastor at Church of the Elevated Abundance. "Come on, people. Think!"

Planting churches with dumb names had become a hallmark of the modern evangelical church, with churches preferring names that make as little sense as possible to attract new congregants.

"Oh, how about going by a one-word name, like 'Fusion?' That's pretty vague," Freeborn suggested. "Or, listen to this... Aura. Or how about H2O? You know, like water, because there needs to be something about water or a river."

The group then spent another hour debating names like Oasis, The Gathering, Compel, Riverside Crosse Pointe Churche, and Telos.

At publishing time, with the final decision having been made, LifeCity.com Church was set to open its doors on June 15.

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