POUGHKEEPSIE, NY - After being denied holy communion by San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone, the Church of Satan graciously reached out to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to remind her she is still eligible to partake of the Satanic Eucharist. It's like the normal Eucharist - but evil.
"The Church of Satan welcomes all," said the church in an official statement. "Although Speaker Pelosi claims to be a devout Catholic, she advocates for the legal murder of babies and lives a life of self-worship that is inspiring to see. She would be a great addition to our congregation!"
Pelosi was flattered by the satanic invitation and referred to the Church of Satan as "an upstanding pillar of the American community."
"I don't know why Pelosi would want to be Catholic if she doesn't believe in anything Catholics do," said Satanic High Priest Peter Gilmore. "She should join us at the Church of Satan. We wear cool robes and drink blood and play D&D!"
High Priest Gilmore, who plays a level 20 chaotic evil necromancer on Sundays, is reportedly a skeptical atheist who enjoys wasting his time in a fake religion for no reason. Sources from within the satanic church reveal Pelosi would be a great fit since all she does is do whatever she wants free of consequence just like them.
At publishing time, Pelosi visited a Church of Satan in San Francisco and slaughtered a black lamb on an altar of obsidian in the midst of a dark cathedral carved out of the stone of pain. She then made a level 1 lawful evil drow fighter and sat down for an epic game of high adventure.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
