LANCASTER, TX—Citing their apparent ignorance of anything having to do with the Los Angeles-based thrash metal band, pastor Cliff Blackburn of Lancaster Baptist Church expressed his amazement Monday that nobody in the congregation had caught on to the fact that he has been cramming as many Metallica references into his sermons as humanly possible for the past five months.
“I started out subtle, with one sermon about hypocrisy called ‘Holier Than Thou,’ and another one about evangelism called ‘Hit The Lights,'” Blackburn explained to reporters. “After that, I started getting more overt. A few weeks later, my lesson about addiction and habitual sin drew heavily from ‘Master of Puppets.’ When nobody picked up on that, I decided to see how far I could push it.”
The congregation, still blissfully unaware of the amount of Metallica-based content in the sermons they were hearing, responded favorably to Blackburn’s shift in preaching style. “Pastor Cliff’s lesson about combating sin in your life—‘Kill ‘Em All,’ I think it was called—I really needed to hear that,” said one member who has been attending Lancaster Baptist Church for almost seven years. “And that other message, ‘Nothing Else Matters,’ about following Christ at all costs—wow.”
“I didn’t even think it was possible to preach three consecutive sermons on the unforgivable sin, but somehow he pulled it off,” the church member added, referring to Blackburn’s trilogy of sermons called “The Unforgiven.”
But foremost in the minds of the congregation is last Sunday’s impassioned sermon about the Exodus, which Blackburn claims “consisted entirely of lyrics from the song ‘Creeping Death,’ and nothing else. I even got the congregation to chant ‘Die! Die!’ when we got to that part of the song. I can do no wrong here.”
At publishing time, Blackburn was busily preparing for next Sunday’s lesson, tentatively titled “Leper Messiah.”
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.