JACKSON, MS — In a desperate bid to stop First Baptist Church from voting on hideous new carpet, local elder Gary McCord took matters into his own hands and pulled the church's fire alarm.

"I did what I had to do," said Mr. McCord. "That is the absolute worst shade of purple I've seen in all my years."

As the Fire Department arrived, Mr. McCord brushed off questions about his motivation for triggering the evacuation. "Look here, mister fireman," began Mr. McCord, holding up two swatches of carpet. "When you walk into church, you expect this here standard burgundy, okay? Now look at this bright purple abomination, this neon swatch of horror! It's not just a migraine-inducing eyesore, it's heresy! They'll have to put me in the cemetery out back before I see this laid down in my church!"

According to sources in the congregation, the discussion of which shade of maroon and purple to choose for the new carpet has caused deep rifts within the church. "The battle lines are drawn," said parishioner Emily Langston. "It's cutting through families, even marriages. I was just hoping for something a little brighter than the dull, dark purple we've had for decades. This evacuation is just the latest salvo in the battle."

At publishing time, the meeting had resumed but devolved into turmoil after a young congregant asked if anyone had considered a color besides purple.

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