CHARLESTON, SC — A local church rolled out its latest plan to reach out to new prospective parishioners last week, hoping to appeal to young women by featuring new communion Stanley cups.
The move was already paying dividends, as the church's staff reported an immediate spike in attendance among women between the ages of 18 and 45, with noticeably long lines at the communion table.
"We had a feeling this would be a big hit," said Pastor Jim Smart. "We've been looking for a way to draw more young people to the church, and someone suggested we try Stanley cups. After a brief misstep of holding hockey-related services, we found out ‘Stanley cups' actually referred to a brand of tumbler that is currently very popular with young ladies. So, adding tiny versions of them to the Lord's Table was the obvious next step."
Members of the congregation noticed an immediate difference. "Heck yeah, bro," said Jared Benton, a young, single male who attends the church. "I've never seen that many young ladies at a service before. I'm all for this new Stanley communion cup thing. Sign me up. I've even started sitting up closer to the platform just to get a good view of the communion table. I think we should keep doing it."
One new female attendee gave an enthusiastic report. "I've never been so eager to partake of the Lord's Table," she said. "I think I'll plan on being here every week as long as I can get a cute little Stanley tumbler."
At publishing time, the church was preparing to draw even more female visitors by switching the communion crackers out for tiny artisanal sourdough loaves.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
