U.S. - The nation's Christians said they were really pleased that they voted for Republicans to control the White House and Senate so that Planned Parenthood abortions and funding could hit another all-time high.
After Planned Parenthood released its annual report showing almost 350,000 tiny lives ended and over $600 million received from taxpayers, the nation's Christians breathed a sigh of relief that they had voted for Republican candidates.
"It's a good thing we didn't vote for that baby-killing Hillary, or they could have been even higher," said one Arkansas pastor. "But the battle's not over yet. We need to vote for Republicans again in the next election cycle and then they'll definitely cut off Planned Parenthood and end abortion for good."
"We're helping!" he added, gesturing to his large collection of "I Voted" stickers to show that he'd done his part to make sure abortion numbers continue to increase.
Republican politicians, for their part, said they would do a better job "just after this next election, we promise."