WORLD — Christians across the globe have decided to put aside their petty differences and unite for the greater purpose of sharing the Gospel of Jesus with the world. Just joshing! They're actually fighting each other online.
According to sources, Christians really did consider not letting minor theological differences get in the way of the shared mission to spread the Gospel, but decided it would be better to argue with each other on social media.
"This is such a better use of time," said local Christian Zach Milton as he absolutely roasted a fellow Christian on Facebook. "I could go out and talk to my neighbors at the block party and maybe invite them to church. But then who would wreck this idiot 'My_Jesus_Saves23' who believes in paedobaptism?"
Several Christians explained the decision by stating that wars have been fought over small theological differences, so it was probably best to spend the day staring at a screen instead of talking to people. "These things matter. So, I'm dedicating eight hours per day to sitting alone ruthlessly mocking other denominations online," said local man Carl Denton. "It's what's healthiest for my soul and for the Church body."
At publishing time, Christians had considered taking the Sabbath off from arguing online, but decided instead to argue about what constitutes a modern Sabbath.
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