FARMINGDALE, NJ—Another Chipotle restaurant was forced to temporarily close its doors today after more than a dozen customers were reported as becoming violently demon-possessed from ingesting their carnitas. The company has wrestled with norovirus, salmonella and other contaminated food controversies in the past, but this is the first time Chipotle has been accused of serving demonic pork.
“Mom finished her taco and she started growling at me,” reported 14-year-old patron Sally Harmonika. “She started to shriek and squeal, then she flipped the table over and jumped out the window. She ran off with bits of glass in her face screaming something about dwelling in Nero and Cain, then she was gone.” When authorities caught up to the woman she had run over 10 miles to the coast and was attempting to throw herself into the ocean at Belmar Beach.
Henrietta Bartleby of Old Harbor claimed that her husband, Clarence’s head began to spin 360 degrees as he counted to six over and over again in a voice “reminiscent of Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster.” “He began spewing this white froth, sort of like a garden sprinkler,” Bartleby said. After that, the man began to writhe around on the ground like a “fish receiving electroshock therapy,” then he froze in a twisted position with joints locked, teeth clenched, and eyes staring straight ahead.
A rep for Chipotle stated that the company is aware of the reports and believes the symptoms are consistent with the story in Matthew 8:28-34 in which Jesus cast a legion of demons out of a man and transferred them into some nearby pigs. “Our porktastic carnitas are made from pig, and since this is the only reference ever made to pigs being possessed by demons, right now this is our best lead.”
The Chipotle location is reportedly working with a small group of exorcism-trained priests to drive all demonic activity from the remaining carnitas in storage and plans to re-open their doors soon.