BEIJING — Following last night's heavily publicized debate between California Governor Gavin Newsom and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, the Chinese state media proclaimed Newsom the clear and unquestioned winner.
"There is no other conclusion which anyone may draw," said Xing Zhou, spokesman for the People's Republic of China. "Our dear friend and close colleague, Mr. Newsom, soundly defeated the brash American DeSantis. Everyone saw this. Do not question it."
Despite many people throughout the media and across the country expressing the view that DeSantis soundly trounced Newsom at every turn during the debate, multiple representatives of the Chinese government were adamant that the opposite was true. "We defy anyone to come forward with evidence that DeSantis was victorious," Zhou said. "Only a man on the losing end of a debate would be presenting photographs of human feces that was found on the streets of a city under Gavin Newsom's leadership. Streets in China are also covered in excrement, but this is no reflection on the outstanding leadership of our glorious President Xi."
When reached for comment, Governor Newsom's office responded with gratitude for China's vote of confidence. "Governor Newsom is proud to receive congratulations from his superiors on last night's debate performance," said spokeswoman Jean Byrne. "The next time the CCP sends a delegation to inspect our work here in California, the governor will be sure to express his heartfelt thanks in person."
At publishing time, the Chinese citizens who had expressed willingness to argue that DeSantis had won the debate were unable to comment due to being quickly silenced and imprisoned.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
