BEIJING — As American media outlets buzzed with stories about the mysterious balloon spotted flying over the state of Montana, new reports leaking out from Chinese sources appear to confirm that the spy balloon was launched in an effort to discover secrets about classified fork technology.
"We have been searching for decades to unlock the secrets behind the fork," said a member of the Chinese Communist Party under the condition of anonymity. "We have held on so tightly to the use of chopsticks for so long, but learning about the West's use of this fork object could revolutionize our culture."
The Biden administration had expressed hesitation to give the order to have the balloon shot down, leading some to believe the government had insider knowledge about the spy apparatus's true purpose. "We know the Chinese have been after our fork technology for many years," said a high-ranking government official after being guaranteed his identity would be kept secret. "The President seems unconcerned — almost willing to comply, even, but there is a growing fear that letting the Chinese learn about forks could upset the balance of power on the global stage."
Additional intelligence gathered about secret Chinese spy missions indicate the CCP is also keen to find out how Americans survive without everyone wearing pointy straw hats and also to develop plans to keep opening up millions of nail salons throughout the United States.
At publishing time, Montana residents were continuing to stand outside and gawk at the slowly passing balloon, despite the knowledge that the CCP was likely simultaneously scanning their thoughts and deploying the latest U.S.-funded, China-developed global virus.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
