BEIJING — China's President Xi issued a stern warning to American politicians this week, vowing that any members of Congress who dare to vote for a ban on TikTok will be fired from their jobs.

"We hired all you American legislators to do one job: weaken and destroy America from within," said Xi gravely. "If you can't prove your fealty to the glorious CCP who graciously put you in your position, it will go on your performance review, and trust me — you don't want that to happen."

Already, lawmakers in Washington are backing away from supporting legislation that would ban the use of TikTok on government devices, although they insist it has nothing to do with the Chinese threat. "I just really like TikTok!" said Representative Eric Swalwell. "Fang Fang is on there! Um, I mean, it's so fun and creative!"

"I believe we need to think twice about banning this wonderful app," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "Have you seen the dancing girls on there? Such talent!"

President Xi has warned any lawmakers running for reelection that he won't secretly support their campaigns unless they comply. At publishing time, Army Chief of Staff General Milley had instructed his entire chain of command to download the app.

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