BEIJING - After successfully changing the ending of 'Fight Club' to one where the state authorities win, China's Ministry of Culture has released a new version of Disney's 1977 film, 'The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.' In the new ending, Pooh conquers the world and enslaves ethnic minorities.
In the original ending, Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh gather at the Enchanted Place to say goodbye before the young boy goes off to school. The new ending evokes imagery from China's Three Kingdoms period as Pooh single-handedly defeats thousands of Heffalumps in the Enchanted Place of the Hundred Acre Wood. The silly old bear gloriously strikes down his enemies to unite China and bring about true Communism on a global scale.
Walt Disney Pictures' Head of Production Walter Disnorio praised the new ending. "China says it's much better," he said. "China's feelings are valid because they control our money. We remain resolute in our mission of doing whatever China wants."
Fan reaction has been mostly negative, with some suggesting it completely changes the point of the film. Calls for a boycott of Disney products have received a lot of vocal support but haven't gained much traction because everyone is watching 'The Book of Boba Fett.'
"I hate China as much as the next guy," said Johnathan Shmonathan of New York. "But it's Star Wars, man."
In spite of the controversy, Disney's stock prices are now surging.
"Our toy sales are through the roof and the cost of manufacturing has never been lower!" said Marketing Director Xijong Lau. "Everyone wants 'Wuxia Pooh' and the 'Tigger Re-Education Center Set.' This is a big home run for China - I mean us."
According to sources, other beloved Disney films will be receiving new endings. The Wind in the Willows is reportedly next for an update. It will now end with Mr. Toad investing his finances in the Chinese State so he can artificially offset his carbon emissions.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.