LARNED, KS — Two innocent local children have been left on the brink of starvation after their father failed to cut their sandwiches into little dinosaur shapes the way their mother does.
"How does he expect us to eat them this way?" asked 4-year-old Caden Ralston. "There's no way I'm even touching that sandwich unless it's in the shape of a triceratops. If my food isn't shaped like dinosaurs, it's not getting anywhere near my mouth. This is an outrage."
The children's father, Eric, made this rookie mistake after his wife left him at home with the kids for a few hours. In addition to his failure to cut the sandwiches into dinosaur shapes, Eric also completely blundered by slicing the grapes in half longways instead of shortways, instantly making them, according to the children, entirely unfit for consumption.
"How am I supposed to know all of this?" Eric said in exasperation. "Why does their food have to be a specific shape for them to eat it? How does that make sense? It tastes the same! C'mon, man, just eat it!"
At publishing time, further outrage had erupted when Eric reportedly gave Caden six veggie straws while he gave his brothers, Camden and Cannon, only five each.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!