So there you are, trying to worship peacefully, and then out of nowhere a priest tackles you to the ground and arrests you for radical traditionalism because you spoke in Latin. Now you're in Guantanamo Bay being waterboarded about where you were on January 6.
How'd you get here? You didn't keep your eyes open for FBI priests!
Here's how to discern that your parish is under federal control:
- He's wearing aviators and an earpiece with his vestments
- The new confessional booth looks a lot like a white van with FBI agents in it
- When you confess your sins from Jan 6, he talks into an earpiece and says, "We got him."
- He says things like "Blessing upon you, fellow Catholic extremists!"
- He tells you to say five hail marys and one J. Edgar Hoover
- Your rosary has an antenna sticking out of it
- He pats you down when you enter the building
- His robes look like they may have come from Spirit Halloween
- The name "Father Burt Macklin" seems suspicious
- Says he went to seminary in Quantico, VA
- His Sunday homily is all about Trump's Russian collusion, white supremacy, and the need to increase funding for the FBI
- The monstrance of adoration has wires coming out of it
- Prayer candles look suspiciously like microphones
If your priest is showing any of these warning signs, run!
Stay safe out there, Catholic extremists!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
