WORLD—According to researchers working under the direction of a leading United Nations panel on climate change, the root cause of the global crisis has been determined to be the overuse of fire metaphors in worship songs.
“Churches are singing songs asking for fire to rain down, fall from the skies, burn inside them, you name it—and our environment is suffering because of it,” climate scientist Georgio L. Moretti told reporters. “We’ve calculated that the polar ice caps will be completely gone by 2020 at the rate churches are singing songs like ‘Set A Fire’ and ‘Fire Fall Down.'”
Scientists are asking churches to schedule more songs packed with water metaphors to counteract the harmful activity causing rapidly rising sea levels and severe heat waves.
“Just toss a few songs in there like ‘Let It Rain’ or ‘Oceans’ and that should buy humanity some time,” the researcher said. “Or, you know, just sing songs that praise God without relying on nature analogies with ambiguous theological implications. Your call.”
At publishing time, a massive iceberg the size of Rhode Island had broken from an ice shelf in Antartica as Hillsong Church in Sydney had begun singing “Love Like Fire” during a Friday worship service.