Celebrities Assure Nation They Were Wearing High-Tech Invisible Masks Only Rich People Know About

INGLEWOOD, CA—A who's who of LA elite, many of whom have been vocal advocates of mask mandates, appeared to be huge hypocrites on Sunday as they cheered on the Rams at Super Bowl LVI while maskless. However, they were quick to assure everyone that they had been wearing high-tech invisible masks only rich people know about.

"No, we were totally wearing masks! They're just... um, invisible. They use... um, top-secret invisibility technology only rich people know about," explained Lebron James to a tearful child who has never known a life without masks.

Lebron James, crypto-miner Matt Damon, and director Ben Affleck were just a few of the celebrities who had access to the invisible masks. Damon, who previously starred in Elysium, a film about a ruling class who doesn't share their life-saving medical equipment, was reportedly oblivious to the irony.

"Now don't forget to mask up and get vaccinated! We're all in this together," chimed in a laughing J.Lo, also wearing a high-tech invisible mask.

When asked if the invisible masks will be made available to common people, Jennifer Lopez became offended. "I put on my diamond-studded pants the same as everyone else, one leg at a time!"

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti was also in attendance and appeared to be unmasked but confirmed he didn't need a high-tech one as he can hold his breath for over four hours.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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