Health
CDC Says Vaccinated People Can Now Punch Unvaccinated People In The Face

ATLANTA, GA—In a surprise announcement today, the CDC revised its guidelines on social distancing. Vaccinated people can now ignore social distancing if needed in order to punch an unvaccinated person in the face.

"We highly encourage punching as many unvaccinated people in the face as possible," said Dr. Nancy Messonnier. "We think this will be an effective tool for encouraging many more people to stop resisting the vaccination-- since our science indicates very few people enjoy being punched in the face."

The CDC confirms these new guidelines are "effective immediately," and will be in place until every unvaccinated person has been sufficiently punched. 

"If people are still resistant after the first dose of punching, we recommend a second dose-- and in some rare cases-- a third dose, right in the nose," said Messonnier. 

The CDC walked back their statement just a few hours later, suggesting that people still try to keep their distance from unvaccinated people by instead bonking them in the head with a long stick.  

 

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