CDC Says Men Can Now Safely Use The Urinal Right Next To Another Guy’s Urinal

ATLANTA, GA—In a surprise move that may mark the end of the pandemic, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has announced recommendations allowing men to safely use the urinal right next to another guy’s urinal.

CDC Director Dr. Rachel Walensky said, “This dramatic easing of urinal-centric restrictions comes at the conclusion of an 18-month observational study in which I surreptitiously observed men using urinals in malls, gas stations, and rest stops across the country. The accumulated data indicates leaving an empty urinal in between two men is no longer required.”

Dr. Walensky clarified that the CDC still recommends men using urinals right next to other guys should refrain from sighing loudly, clearing throats, spitting, or cracking anatomy-related jokes.

Local urinal user Chad Baltzwick expressed doubt about this new post-pandemic easing of regulations, stating he will continue requiring an empty urinal on each side of him just to be safe.


Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.

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