U.S. - The CDC has recently updated its recommended self-isolation protocol for those who test positive for COVID-19. Now, the CDC recommends either staying home or going to see Marvel's Morbius in theaters to stay as far away from others as possible.
"Covid is not over, people! We must continue to take extreme measures when testing positive for COVID," explained CDC spokesperson Dr. Jeff Blakesfield. "That's why we recommend isolating yourself from other people for at least 5 days in a remote location like your bedroom or a screening of Morbius."
The CDC continued to explain that now people with COVID can feel free to leave their homes and safely catch any showings of Morbius. "Whether it's Jared Leto as a superhero or a supervillain, you can be sure you're not infecting others when you watch him on the big screen," added Dr. Blakesfield. "We truly are fortunate to have such a big-budget film with dedicated theaters, providing us with the perfect location to send those who are infected."
According to sources, not all responses have been as positive to this announcement. "Honey, I've got COVID and the worst part is they're sending me straight to an empty, secluded theater that's playing Morbius," said local dad Heath Wagner after testing positive.
At publishing time, Morbius was greenlit for a sequel in hopes of providing a place to isolate in case a new variant emerges next year.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.