SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Sporting a new hooded sweatshirt from J. Crew and a nice L.L. Bean backpack, local activist Wayne Hoffman cried out “Down with capitalism!” at a protest event Friday while his face was obscured by a Guy Fawkes mask he ordered on Amazon using their convenient app he downloaded to his iPhone 7, sources confirmed.
After the protest, Hoffman sat down with reporters over lunch at a Panera restaurant to discuss his views on society.
“We are the resistance,” he said stoically. “That’s why I wear this mask. The mask represents resistance against our commercial society. And thank God for Amazon Prime, because I was able to get it delivered in two days, for free—so it showed up just in time for today’s rally. No extra charge.”
“Prime is totally worth the money,” he added.
Explaining that he and his fellow “resistance fighters” won’t stop until they see capitalism destroyed, he explained that they have a protest planned once a week for the entire summer. “We plan them out in a private Facebook group we have set up, but we don’t advertise them, so the capitalists never know when we’re going to pop up.”
With that, Hoffman bought one more coffee to go, neglecting to leave a tip. He then requested an Uber on his iPhone, and was gone.