OTTAWA — The Canadian Medical System has officially rolled out its own "Life Alert" which provides immediate, medically-assisted death to geriatric patients who push the button.
"If you fall and can't get up, now you can comfortably die right there!" said Dorian Michel, director of Canada's Euthanasia Initiative. "This will save so much hassle with trying to help old people back up to their feet. I don't know if you have ever tried to help an eighty-year-old off a bathroom floor, but it is a HUGE pain."
According to sources, the Canadian team got the idea when an old man called for an ambulance and said he was hurting so badly, he wished he were dead. "That's when we partnered with Life Alert systems – so a fallen geriatric in maximum pain could finish the job right then and there!" said Mr. Michel, loading cyanide into one of the systems. "Old people don't want us to make such a fuss over them when they break their hips. Now, they can go straight from undignified fall to dignified death!"
At publishing time, investigators revealed that Roomba had agreed to start directing their units to trip old people in exchange for kickbacks from Life Alert.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
