OTTAWA — The international community had reportedly changed its tune on assisted suicide, even going so far as to openly praise Canada following an announcement by Prime Minister Mark Carney that they had successfully euthanized Nickelback.
"No one will ever have to hear from Nickelback ever again," Carney said. "Their formulaic, repetitive songwriting can't hurt anyone ever again."
Canada's Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) program had previously been vilified the world over, even attracting criticism from the United Nations. "Assisted suicide undermines the sanctity of human life and discourages people from even trying to improve their circumstances," said Miyeon Kim, chair of the UN Committee on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. "But there was no fixing Nickelback. We all knew that."
Conservative American voices, previously among the staunchest critics of euthanasia, were also eager to congratulate Canada on the success of its euthanasia program.
"I've come around," said conservative podcast host Matt Walsh. "I used to think Canada was the enemy of modern civilization, but after they killed Nickelback, I can see the merits of euthanasia."
At publishing time, President Donald Trump had a phone meeting with Prime Minister Mark Carney to see about the legality of euthanizing CNN.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
