TORONTO — According to reports, Toronto dentist Joseph Meyer is now offering euthanasia as an alternative to cavity fillings. Meyer introduced the service this Thursday at his Yorkville practice amid growing demand for assisted suicide in the country.

"So, your tooth hurts, huh?" said Meyer to one patient complaining of an aching upper 1st molar. "Well, I could put you on a Medicare waiting list and let you suffer for several months, or I can just take care of this now and compassionately whack ya for free!"

Meyer has seen an influx of patients since announcing the service.

"Patients are always complaining about how much fillings hurt," said Meyer. "One patient said, ‘it's killing me.' That's when I got the idea."

"I'm so excited for this," said University of Toronto Philosophy professor Blake Kipling. "I've always wanted to die. Life has actually been pretty hard on me. Also, I hate fillings."

Some community members have criticized Meyer's euthanasia practice. "Suicide is for serious things like breakups or existential dread," said yoga instructor Pauline Patterson. "A cavity filling does not rise to that level. This is a classic slippery slope."

A group of anti-euthanasia protestors gathered outside Meyer's office this afternoon but were quickly dispersed by a team of mounties shooting tear gas and rubber bullets.

Meyer has six euthanasia appointments, two fillings, and a root canal scheduled for Monday.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.