TOKYO—In a stunning upset, the Canada Women's soccer team has beaten the U.S. Women's team for a shot at the Olympic gold. They felt kind of bad for doing this, so they apologized very politely.
"Listen—no hard feelings, eh?" said Canada team captain Christine Sinclair. "We had a bit of a kerfuffle with your goalie for sure, so we're soory aboot that. And then we destroyed you 1-0! Ouch, soory. Sometimes these things happen and we just play a little better than you, eh?"
The U.S. Women's Team screamed and cried in despair claiming that racism and sexism are more likely to blame for the loss.
"Those dirty Canucks haven't seen the last of me, I'll have my reveeennnggee!" cried Megan Rapinoe angrily, although she later acknowledged her team may have lost because they had decided to boycott scoring goals for the cause of social justice.
The Canada team then brought the U.S. team to Tim Hortons to make them feel a little better.