PINESVILLE, CA—Administrators of local liberal arts college Freedom University announced that for the upcoming semester, there will be a free speech zone available for all students who wish to express any opinion they want to.
The zone is a 2-inch x 2-inch patch of concrete in an alley behind the university's cafeteria, adjacent to the dumpsters. The space is clearly marked with a red chalk mark, indicating that students are welcome to express any opinion within the confines of the four inches of space.
"In this space, you can stand proudly and declare whatever you want," said campus dean Dr. Xen Hoffman. "As long as you can fit both feet inside this tiny area, you have the freedom to express even unpopular opinions." Dr. Hoffman said the zone is "very generous," having doubled in size since last year's free speech zone.
Student leaders testing the space tried standing on their tiptoes, standing in the square on narrow stilts, and standing up on one finger to fit into the free speech zone.
The dean then clarified that you can't speak so that anyone outside of the zone can hear you. A whisper or "just thinking things instead of saying them" is recommended, just to be safe.