BLOOMSBURG, PA—After a rough church service outing, with 7 slide miscues, two instances of devastating microphone feedback, and an MP4 file that wouldn't start, local Calvinist man Jonathan Mitchell calmly assured the parishioners and staff of Graceway Bible Fellowship that each of his mistakes was ordained by God before the foundation of the world.
The 5-point Calvinist reclined in his sound booth chair and stroked his beard as he expounded upon the great sovereign plan of God that resulted in his myriad errors that morning.
"Oh, when I fired up the lyrics to 'A Mighty Fortress' instead of 'Rock of Ages,' you mean?" Mitchell said when the pastor confronted him about the rocky service. "The Lord Most High predestined this so-called 'mistake' to occur in eternity past. He didn't merely look down the corridors of time and see that I would make the mistake—but rather, he sovereignly orchestrated all things in order to ensure this moment would come to pass. Soli deo gloria."
He also affirmed that he was "totally unable" to play the illustrative video clip the pastor had planned on using, since the Lord had bound him to the faulty video file in order that God would receive the glory for the wrath to be poured out upon him by the pastor and congregation.
"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! " he said, stroking his beard and lighting up his favorite tobacco pipe.
At publishing time, Mitchell had been replaced with an Arminian who said he'd "try his best" not to lose his new position as church tech guy.