Call Of Duty Bans All Firearms

SANTA MONICA, CA—Activision has banned all firearms from all current Call of Duty games, calling firearms a symbol of oppressive imperialism. Call of Duty: Warzone and Call of Duty: Mobile have also been merged into one new, rebranded product called Call of Duty: Woke Ops.

"Effective immediately, all firearms, explosives, and air support are banned from competitive play," said an Activision spokesperson. "We, the publisher of thousands of games where you mow down millions of enemy combatants, wanted to show how woke we are. So, while protests are going on across the country, you can no longer use firearms in our games."

Players will spawn without any guns and instead will run around the map hugging each other and protesting. Instead of earning kill streaks, players will now earn virtue streaks by wearing rainbow skins or fully blacked out skins to show they are woke to the current social cause. You can still, however, pick up bricks and Molotov cocktails and lob them into nearby homes and businesses.

"We, the giant corporation, really care about social issues. Now buy some DLC."

Activision is also banning class loadouts for perpetuating harmful classism.

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