SACRAMENTO, CA—In a solemn ceremony today, Governor Gavin Newsom of California dedicated a lions' den for Christians who sing in church against the government's orders.
Newsom's advisers had approached him and suggested the move. "May Governor Newsom live forever!" they said, bowing prostrate before him. "We, your humble advisers, have all agreed that you should issue an edict and enforce the decree that anyone who sings to any god, except SCIENCE or Black Lives Matter, shall be thrown into the lions' den."
Governor Newsom thought about it and said, "OK. Shall we pass a law or something?"
"No, you just declare it. That's how democracy works, dummy."
So he did. "By order of royal decree, anyone who worships any god other than SCIENCE shall be thrown into the lions' den!"
California Worship Enforcement Officers began rounding up offenders to throw into the lions' den. "You're a good, good, FaAAAAHHHHH!!!" cried one worship leader in Southern California as he was tased and pulled off the stage by officers. The congregation wanted to rush to his defense, but they were honestly kinda happy "Good, Good Father" was over.
Fortunately, the lions were on loan from the San Francisco Zoo and so were vegans.
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