SACRAMENTO, CA—After blaming every single one of the state's problems on climate change, Governor Gavin Newsom proclaimed that California is the "progressive utopia of the future" and that the state is "like America fast-forwarded fifty years into the glorious future."
As he said this, his hair burst into flames, likely due to all the hair gel coupled with the fact that half of the state is currently on fire. As the flames licked up his podium and ignited his microphone, shirt, and face, he continued victoriously proclaiming the accomplishments of the state of California.
"All those other backward states are just jealous of us," he said as fire consumed his mansion in the distance. "If more states would just model themselves after us, they all could be having the great time that California is currently having." A tree fell nearby, exploding with sparks and creating a giant fireball that flew toward Newsom's face.
"Progress!" he cried as he finally succumbed to the flames, his face melting like that guy in Indiana Jones.
This all would have been captured on video but no one could charge their video cameras or phones since the state is currently without electricity.
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