California Institutes Mask Mandate To Flatten The Horizontal Line

SACRAMENTO, CA—Amid surging cases of a mild cold called Omicron, California is acting decisively to reinstitute the popular mask mandate. Experts say this should effectively flatten the already completely flat, horizontal line of almost zero Omicron deaths.

"We have to flatten the horizontal line, and we have to do it now," said Newsom forcefully. "They say it can't be done, but California never backs down from a challenge! I say we make that line flatter! Who's with me?" 

According to sources, the entire crowd groaned, except for 3 surgical mask sales reps in the back, who cheered wildly. 

The mandate will require everyone to wear masks indoors, except for the rich and the powerful, who are not in need of such protections. This is because they have plenty of antibody-infused blood which their house servants have gladly volunteered to donate. 

Newsom confirmed that masks will continue to be worn until the flat line becomes flatter, or until the human spirit of California citizens is completely crushed, whichever comes first. 

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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