U.S.—With hospitals facing historic labor shortages, many are automating their workforce by replacing doctors with slick new television kiosks that just play Pfizer commercials to patients.
"We found that most doctors were just looking up your symptoms in their doctor books and simply prescribing whatever drug Pfizer recommends for your ailments," said ProHealthica CEO Bub Squibbles. "Once we realized that's all they really do, we thought 'Hey! We can automate that!'"
ProHealthica will be rolling out 1,200 new kiosks to replace their dwindling pool of physicians. Patients will simply select their symptoms on the touchscreen, and then watch Pfizer commercials for the cocktail of drugs Pfizer recommends. They can then simply click "order" to have the meds shipped directly to them.
According to sources, the kiosks have better bedside manner than most doctors and will save all the wasted time by simplifying healthcare down to what it's really all about: creating a steady stream of income for Pfizer and government agencies.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!