SACRAMENTO, CA — With a landmark piece of legislation, the state of California became the first state in the nation to ban heterosexual marriage.
The historic law, which effectively makes it illegal for a man and woman to be joined in holy matrimony, now defines marriage as a union between anyone other than a male and a female.
"This is a day that will be remembered forever," said Governor Gavin Newsom in a statement celebrating the ban. "The last vestiges of oppressive normalcy are gone, and we can all be gay as Satan intended."
The law was met with celebration by everyone still living in California, as they were all gay already.
Critics accused the new ban of being overtly discriminatory, largely due to the fact that it discriminates against heterosexuals. Newsom was quick to deny the criticism. "Totally not true," he said. "Heterosexuality was invented by white colonizers to force people out of their natural gay state. Everyone who went to college at one of our prestigious universities should know that."
At publishing time, lawmakers in California were reportedly setting their sights on passing new legislation that would remove children from heterosexual parents and send them to live with 50-year-old drag queens.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
