ANAHEIM, CA — In an effort to slow the rise of frightening, right-wing extremism, the state of California has announced a new mandate to close all gyms and fitness centers for two weeks.
"This is a short-term public safety measure," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "These gyms will only be closed for two weeks to slow the spread of fascism. And as we've shown in our state's history, we have never mandated something and later extended it for a much longer period of time than we originally stated."
Cries for action grew over the weekend, as mainstream media outlets detailed the risks to democracy posed by fitness. "You only stay in shape if you're a Nazi," said Jenny Van Der Blunt, who is an outspoken progressive activist and who also weighs 400 pounds. "I don't trust anyone who takes good care of their physical health. Do you know who else kept themselves physically fit? HITLER!"
Newsom left open the potential for additional measures the state may take in order to discourage residents from being healthy and instead continue on the path toward morbid obesity and dependence upon the government. "My office is looking into the possibility of banning home gyms," he said. "No civilian needs to own a set of weights that should only be for military use."
At publishing time, the state of California had also announced a "buy back" program through which residents could trade in their gym membership cards in exchange for coupons that would get them a free Big Mac and McFlurry at McDonald's.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
