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BYU Coach Suspended For Using Seer Stones To Predict Plays

PROVO, UT—Brigham Young University head football coach Kalani Sitake has been suspended for three games after he was spotted gazing into a pair of seer stones in a stovepipe hat on the sidelines of Saturday’s 31–21 win over UNLV, NCAA officials confirmed Monday morning.

“No team should have an advantage over the others just because they have special magic stones that can grant the user supernatural knowledge,” an NCAA rep said at a press conference announcing the three-game suspension. “Post-game footage review revealed that Sitake’s use of the stones predicted plays in both the first and second halves of the game, and likely influenced [BYU quarterback] Critchlow’s 14 completions.”

Sitake later admitted to the use of the performance-enhancing seer stones, which were stated to be the very same stones Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon and possibly the Book of Abraham. The authentic stones were reportedly on loan from the LDS Church History Library.

Sitake has apologized for the inappropriate use of the sacred relics and the unfair advantage it seemed to bestow upon the Cougars’ debut football performance, and further promised he would discontinue the use of the seer stones as well as authentic divining rods used by Joseph Smith in his early life in order to select the right offensive plays.

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