KENWOOD, OH—Sources at Friends Community Church confirmed Friday that a soundboard button that would cause irreparable harm to the church's sound system has been secured with a small piece of masking tape marked "Do Not Touch."
"Oh, yeah, definitely don't touch that one," the church sound guy told reporters. "Hoo boy, you definitely don't want to see what would happen if your finger slipped and pushed that thing."
The sound guy claims he has spent the past 8 years mixing the church's sound perfectly, and that anyone who touched that button would bring the whole house of cards tumbling down. "That's how you know it's a good setup," he said, "when it's so delicate that breathing on the wrong knob will ruin everything."
"I have brought balance to the soundboard," he explained. "The slightest mistake would destroy us."
At publishing time, a button near the top of the mixing board that has the power to summon the end times had been assigned a similar makeshift label.