ST. LOUIS, MO — Bud Light welcomed newly minted $100 million investor Bill Gates today with a special, limited-edition can featuring his old friend Jeffrey Epstein.
"First Dylan Mulvaney, now Jeffrey Epstein," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "This has been a banner year for Bud Light."
Bill Gates purchased $100 million of public stock in Anheuser-Busch, believing his image could really help win back Bud Light's conservative customer base. "I believe with just a few tweaks to the MRNA -- I mean recipe, Bud Light is poised for a comeback," said Mr. Gates. "We plan to kick things off by offering a free microchip with the purchase of a twelve-pack. It's going to be gangbusters."
As a thanks to Mr. Gates, Anheuser-Busch decided to produce a special can to bring a bit of the island life home. "We are grateful for Mr. Gates taking care of our needs, just like Jeffrey Epstein took care of his," said Mr. Whitworth. "We hope this little token shows the world exactly the sort of company we are."
At publishing time, conservatives were deeply confused how Anheuser-Busch planned to overcome a trans-influencer controversy by partnering with a guy with man boobs.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.