LONDON—British progressives were already down from their huge losses in Thursday's election, as they lost pretty much every contest to the Conservatives, from Dublingtonampton and Worcestershiresauce to Hogwarts and the Shire.
But their depression turned to sheer terror as Boris Johnson removed his long-running disguise and revealed himself to be Donald Trump.
The shocking revelation came after Johnson's victory speech following Conservatives' huge wins in yesterday's elections. "Oh, and by the way, old chaps" -- he removed his mask and revealed himself to be Donald Trump -- "you're all part of the greatest country maybe ever. You're welcome!"
"We're making the UK great again!"
"You should have seen the looks on their faces," Trump said, laughing, later on. "I mean, it's a really good gag. I had them going for decades." Trump said he developed the idea of the Boris personality when he wanted to go slum it "among the people" abroad but didn't want any press attention. "Sometimes you just wanna be one of the boys." According to the ruler of both the United States and the United Kingdom, things "spiraled out of control" when he took on the Prime Minister job in July, but he wanted to keep the fun going as long as possible.
"It's pretty fun over here. Lots of golf. The food is weird -- even the McDonald's doesn't taste quite right -- but it's a nice change of pace from Washington."
Political commentators weren't sure what the implications were of this unprecedented development, but most agree the UK is now under American control, but it will kind of be one of those territories that aren't fully part of America like Puerto Rico or California.