BUCKINGHAM PALACE - Galvanized as Queen through wars, global instabilities, and numerous threats to the British royal family, Queen Elizabeth II has responded to scandalous evidence of pedophile billionaire Prince Andrew's predatory behavior toward vulnerable girls with a royal edict declaring that no one shall wash his Rolls-Royce.
"Some may consider this too harsh a penalty on a member of the royal family," said a spokesman for the royal family, Bartletonby Thorngraveburry, while adjusting his monocle and pulling out his snuff bag. "However, her royal highness insists Britain make an example of the man, to assure future princes do a better job of not getting photographed with underage girls on the luxury rape islands of creepy hedge fund billionaires."
The spokesman listed additional punishments to the royal press corps, confirming the Queens pledge to make Prince Andrew wish he'd never become besties with Jeffrey Epstein, including:
- No more gold-flaked crumpets unless he asks politely
- Tea still allowed, but no biscuits
- He may only play polo with the gimpy royal horse
- Ownership of ski chalets reduced to three
- All must say "Prince Andrew" with an aire of haughty disdain
World leaders have praised the Queen's actions, and all are happy the nation of Britain, or England, or The United Kingdom, or whatever, is finally on the road to healing.
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