NEW YORK, NY—During his nightly news program this week, Brian Williams, world-renowned and universally-trusted news anchor, described his harrowing escape from Kabul.
“There was chaos everywhere!” Williams recounted in Friday’s captivating edition of Brian Williams’ The 11th Hour with Brian Williams. “AK-47s were shooting at me as I drove my moped through crowded, burning streets. Chaghama, my wife of twenty years, and our three young sons, Abu-Zar, Muhammed, and Frank Jr, were all piled onto the back seat, while I dodged gunfire and EMPs with incredible precision. We finally arrived at the airport in time to see the last plane taking off.”
Williams paused a moment to wipe a tear from his eye.
“Suddenly, a gigantic Mad Max-style vehicle came up behind us and started chasing us while Taliban soldiers clung to it, blasting rock music and throwing spears at us,” Williams continued. “That’s when I hit the nitro, and blasted forward at speeds never before witnessed by humankind. But alas, I was forced to slow down for a brief moment to rescue a baby that was stuck in a tree. As the post-apocalyptic truck began closing in on us, I began to feel that all hope was lost!”
Williams took a long draw from his glass of water.
“Then I saw it, off in the distance: a humble farmer who had come to town to sell crops in the market from his two-wheeled cart, had temporarily set it down at just the right angle to form a ramp! Sweat dripped from my brow as I charged forward toward the cart, knowing I had to time it just right!”
Williams leaned forward and grasped his desk as he stared straight into the camera.
“That’s when I hit the nitro, and raced toward that ramp at unfathomable velocity,” Williams said while gesturing with his hands to show the angle at which his moped raced upward. “As we jettisoned into the sky, I glanced in my rear-view mirror just in time to see the Taliban vehicle skid into a truck full of manure. And then explode.”
Williams illustrated by tossing his papers into the air.
“As we careened, almost weightlessly through the nothingness, I saw the last escaping 747 flying away. That’s when I hit the gas and aimed right at the giant plane. Just as the moped finally began to fall down toward the earth, I grabbed my family in one arm and leaped toward the port side wing, grasping it with my free hand just in time to swing around and throw each family member through a separate passenger window. From there, I held onto the outer hull for five days, as we made the arduous journey back home.”
Williams was still grabbing the top of his desk with his full body as the program came to a close.
UPDATE: Williams has clarified that he was actually on a different moped from the one that shot into the sky toward the 747.
UPDATE 2: Williams has further clarified that he was actually sleeping peacefully in his New York City condo when these events occurred.