U.S.—The CIA has issued a terror alert warning as radical extremists are reportedly holding their weekly meetings in their underground meeting locations across the country this very moment.
According to the government intelligence agency, the extremists gather, chant together in unison, and then hear a speaker who radicalizes them to live normal, productive lives, take responsibility for their own actions, and love one another. The bizarre cult then sprinkles water on babies (though some splinter groups dunk), and even eats flesh and drinks blood. There are also stale donuts and bad coffee.
"Despite our best efforts to dismantle these organizations, they are still meeting every Sunday," said CIA officer Grant Woodley. "This could undermine all the work we're trying to do to establish a more inclusive, woke new world order. We would just go in and take them down, but there's a loophole in the First Amendment that apparently stops us. We're working on getting that changed, though."
"The best thing you can do is alert us if you see a van with a happy, healthy nuclear family pulling up to a building that has a 'T' on it -- the 'T' is for 'terrorist,' we think -- so we can look into it further. If you see something, say something."