SAN FRANSISCO, CA - In an unprecedented and bizarre ruling, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has preemptively overturned the upcoming SCOTUS decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.
"Yes, we are well aware that we have no authority to overturn the Supreme Court and that the SCOTUS decision hasn't even been passed down yet, but we're Leftists. Try and stop us!" said 9th Circuit Court Judge Kireh Mehvlehn. "The right to abortion is more sacred and transcendent than the Constitution, the country, or the universe itself! By the power vested in me by the eternal forces of darkness, I hereby declare this decision OVERTURNED!" She then banged her official-looking gavel very seriously on her desk to seal the deal.
Democrat leaders claim the Circuit Court's decision has no legal power, but we all should obey it anyway since Democrats still need a way to dispose of their mistresses' children without anyone finding out.
Republicans responded with anger to the 9th Circuit ruling, but then shrugged their shoulders and said their hands were tied and there was nothing they could do - since Republicans also need a way to dispose of their mistresses' children without anyone finding out.
Judge Mehvlehn then announced the court will turn its attention to overturning Elon Musk's purchase of Twitter.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
